I was sitting at a bar talking to friends, when a woman that I’ll call Monica* asked if she could get my opinion. James, her husband, had recently shared his biggest fantasy with her: for her to talk dirty to him in the bedroom.

Talking dirty to a guy is one of the easiest ways to turn up the heat in your relationship. It’s easier than dropping twenty pounds or changing your hair color; it’s cheaper than buying fancy lingerie; and easier than planning a big getaway.

But how do you get started? Here’s the hard part, ladies.

You have to start somewhere. It’s a DNA thing on both sides of the gender coin that goes like this:

Man loves woman. (Or likes, or lusts….)

Woman loves man. (Or likes, or lusts….)

Man is turned on by dirty talk. Man asks woman to talk dirty, or woman figures out that that man enjoys that.

Woman…..

……wonders how to get started

.……is afraid of looking or sounding ridiculous

.……had a bad experience with talking dirty before

.……isn’t sure what language to use.

The truth is that all of these challenges can be overcome with one of two strategies: either study examples and try them out, or work with a general framework of how to approach the process.

Monica is a really bright woman, but she suffered from serious performance anxiety and was afraid she would freeze up in the bedroom. I recommended that she read Dirty Dialogue, one of our resources that addresses the issue of performance anxiety, and I gave her the following exercise to practice at home:

Step 1: Grab a pen and paper. (Totally unsexy time here, ladies)

Step 2: Write down a list of ADJECTIVES that sound sexy to you (examples: hot, wet, big, hard)

Step 3: Write down a list of VERBS that sound sexy to you (examples: touch, pet, rub)

Step 4: Write down a list of NOUNS that are sexy to you (examples: my ear, my neck, your thigh)

Now start combining them. Pick three that sound especially sexy to you in combination,or that you think your partner would enjoy.

Now practice saying them aloud. Try to sound a little sexy. Now work them in the next time your with your partner in the bedroom, or send a sexy little note that says “[Your partner's name], I can’t wait until tonight so I can….”

* Names changed to protect the dirty talkin’ skills of a West Coast suburban wife

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Want to overcome your shyness in the bedroom and become an unforgettable lover? Be sure to visit our Resources page for some hot talking dirty guides!