How To Talk Dirty Blog is launching a new feature – once a week we’ll be picking a couple of reader questions to answer on the blog. If you have a question, post it as a comment on this post or email. We’ll do our best to answer every question that’s left for us, either in this column or via email.
One of our awesome readers left us a question:
My boyfriend really wants me to go into depth talking dirty to him and seems to need this in order to finish-I am at a total loss of what to say because the usual does not work with him. I’m not sure what hes looking for and its very frustrating so I’ve just been giving up lately. How do I figure out what he wants and how to do it? I”m thinking maybe we are not compatible in the bedroom-everything is fine when he is pleasing me but when its his turn I am usually exhausted and out of ideas and sexy talk. 
Any suggestions?
Hello, friend!
Thanks for leaving this question. I think there’s a lot going on here, so I’m going to do my best to break it down, and also to give you some really concrete things you can do right away.
There are three key things that are going on here:
- He’s satisfying you – you say everything is fine when he’s pleasing you. That means you’ve got a good base to work from, that he’s either got skills or he’s perceptive enough to pick up on what you want. Or that you’re comfortable asking for it and you’re communicating effectively. That’s fantastic.
- You know what he wants to a degree – to go in depth and talk dirty to him. But you’re fuzzy on the specifics. (See below for some ideas).
- Some underlying communications and compatibility questions. Also there’s a question of whether this is just something that turns him on, or is a hard core fetish (when you say “he needs it to finish.”)
I’m really encouraged when you say that everything is good when he’s pleasing you. That means he’s a thoughtful guy who is thinking of his partner; he’s reading you well enough to meet your needs; and when you say “when it’s his turn” that you’re exhausted, it makes me think that he’s prioritizing your pleasure in the bedroom. All these are SUCH GOOD THINGS. I’m saying it in all caps because when the chemistry seems a little off, it’s easy to focus on what’s not working. It sounds like there is still a lot to celebrate in this situation.
The fact that you’re out there trying to learn more, that you are aware some of his needs are not being met, and that you are reaching out for help all signal that you care and are interested in both growing as a partner and investing in the relationship. Again, these definitely encourage me and make me think you guys have a lot of good material to build on.
The one question that gets raised here is communication. Since you know he’s into dirty talk, he’s indicated at some level he enjoys that and gets turned on when you do it. The bigger things at play seem to be what specific details he’s into and how frequently you need to whip out this particular skill to dial up the heat.
I don’t know how long you’ve been together, what sort of conversations you have, and what his style of communication is – but if it feels safe and reasonable to do, consider approaching him (not during a pressure moment or when it could be awkward) and ask him what he likes. Tell him you know he’s into dirty talk, and ask him to tell you what about it turns him on. Or, ask him to share his fantasies there. One of several things could be going on:
- He’s into your fantasies: Getting you to talk dirty shows him what turns you on, and tells him you’re into what’s happening. There’s a certain kind of guy that’s less turned on by sex than by knowing he’s turning on the woman he’s with. You narrating what’s happening, what you’re feeling, etc. gives him access to that and it in turn fuels his own desire. Given that he’s making sure your needs are consistently met could mean that he is this type of guy.
- Things are a little white bread, and he’s looking for the edge: It’s possible that he finds “basic sex” sort of vanilla, and this is an accessible way to connect with you and turn up the intensity without a fear of judgment.
- He’s just genuinely enjoys dirty talk: Some guys like lingerie. Some guys like blondes. Some guys like feet. Some guys just love dirty talk.
Whether or not he offers you some insight into the specifics that turn him on, I recommend a few things that you can do when the well is running dry for ideas:
- Don’t underestimate the power of a moan, etc.: Just be present, and react to what feels good. But make sure you’re being verbal. Moaning, sighs, and oh yeahs can go a long way.
- Narrate: Talk about what he’s doing, or what you want him to do, and how that makes you feel. Use what’s actually going on as a script.
- Start testing some phrases: In general, people tend to get turned on by the same set of sexual dynamics. It could be about power, or about your willingness to be uninhibited, or it could be more tangible, like a specific location, body part, or act. It could be as simple as saying what feels good, or giving him compliments. If you can start systematically trying out different things to say, you’ll hit on some gems that can be your “go to” phrases.
- Consult an outside resource: If you’re still feeling lost for ideas, check out one of our recommended resources. The Dirty Talk Handbook provides suggestions for hundreds of naughty phrases. It’s a great way to jump start your dirty talk.
As you are wondering whether you are compatible or not, try experimenting.
Consider changing the order around. If you’re typically exhausted by the end of a session, try letting him finish first and pleasure you after. That way you have more energy, whether it’s for dirty talk or something else.
Consider having specific sessions that are devoted to exploring his interest in dirty talk, and your growing skills. You know, fun fact: the word fetish comes from the Frenchfétiche, which means “spell.” So weave a spell – pick a scenario and weave a spell. You can even jot down some notes beforehand, or practice. I know it sounds weird, but when you’re alone, just try saying some stuff out loud. This will absolutely help you get comfortable with it.
Finally, it’s important to note one thing. When someone is dependent upon a specific thing to reach climax, it can eventually become exhausting for the partner. Sometimes it’s an avoidance issue – something else is going on and that becomes a touch point that always allows them to let go. Other times it really is deeply ingrained in someone’s brain – and then you can come down to a fundamental question of compatibility. But I think it’s worth exploring these other ideas first, because you’ve got so much potential here to work with.
Good luck and keep us posted!
XO!
Samantha
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